1
The Telephone Call

Usually when children walk home from school they take the most direct route. One girl, however, winds around entire neighborhoods. She weaves in and out of streets, slithers under bridges, climbs up and over fences, and once she went up a tree onto a rooftop. She doesn't like doing this; she only does it to avoid all the things that grab her nose.

Now you may wonder, what would grab a nose? In her case, it's just about everything.

One particular day she returned home after her long dizzy journey, exhausted of course, but she rushed to open the door when she heard the telephone ringing. She set down her books and grabbed the receiver.

"Hello," she said, still breathless.

A low voice emerged from the other end of the line. "Hello. Is this Ms. Fettuccine? Ms. Sneezy Fettuccine?"

"That's Ferranetti. F-E-R-R-A-N-E-T-T-I. But just call me Sneezy."

"Well, Ms. Fettuccine, our agency..."

"Sir!" she interrupted swiftly, "I don't want to buy anything."

"I'm not calling to sell you anything, Ms. Fettuccine. No, no, no, I want to possibly offer you a job with our agency. You are known as the Side-Effects-Kid, aren't you?"

"Yes, that's me!"

The man on the line cleared his throat. "I realize you are still in school, Ms. Fettuccine, and this job would be strictly part-time."

"Yes, well," Sneezy inhaled deeply. "I have so many side effects I can't do very much. I'd like to work in an office, but the fluorescent lights make my eyes bulge. I'd like to use a computer, but the keys turn my fingers blue. I can read though, as long as the books aren't too new or too old. You see, if they are too new the ink makes me sneeze, and if they are too old the dust makes me sneeze. But if the books are right in between, well, I can handle that. Do you need a reader?"

"Ms. Fettuccine, you may not realize it, but we wish to hire you because of your side effects. I can't explain the details over the telephone because it is highly top-secret. We will need to meet with you in person to explain the nature of the position. Can you follow directions?"

"Sometimes," said Sneezy. She leaned away from the receiver to examine herself in a mirror. Her right ear was about twice its normal size—a reaction to the plastic on the telephone. "I can't talk too long," she sighed.

"Well, Ms. Fettuccine, let me tell you how to find our top-secret office. When you get out of school tomorrow, there will be a little red piece of cloth at the base of the outside door. Now I want you to notice this, but do not pick it up. If you pick it up, you are likely to draw attention to the fact that you are picking up the cloth, and we want people to think the cloth is nothing; only something there by accident. Remember, this is part of being top-secret. You never want to draw attention to what you are doing."

"Okay, sir, I have that written down here. One piece of red cloth next to the doorway."

"No, no, Ms. Fettuccine! Don't write this down! You must memorize it. If you're reading a piece of paper like a treasure hunt, people will ask what you're doing, and then you'll have to explain some phony thing, like it's just a grocery list, and this will arouse people's suspicions."

"Yes, I see your point, sir. But I'm not so good at memorizing things. Some days are better than others, but honestly, no days are good."

"In that case, perhaps you could write it down for now and then practice memorizing it. Whatever you do, don't bring the paper with you and read it while you're following our clues. Understand? All right! First you see the little red piece of cloth at the foot of the outside door of your school. Once you've spotted this, then go out the door and walk down the steps. Turn to your right and walk three blocks until you come to an old birch tree which will cleverly have a kite stuck in the top of the tree. Notice it, but don't let anyone notice you're noticing it. Then turn to your left. Walk down this street until you find a circle of rocks placed next to the sidewalk with a twig carefully placed over the top at a right angle."

"Excuse me, sir, but I'm now at the limit of my memorizing capacity. Even if I wrote all this down and studied it for a month, I'm afraid I might still be confused. Do you think you could just give me your address, and then perhaps I could find you that way?"

There was a long silence on the telephone. "You know, Ms. Fettuccine, I don't see why we couldn't give you the address. That would indeed be simpler. We've been doing it the other way for years, but you may have given us something to think about here, Ms. Fettuccine. You may be on to something."